death

Saying Goodbye To Dad

Saying goodbye to a parent is not fun, but is so important. My last phone call and real conversation with my Dad was on Wednesday afternoon.

It went something like this:

"Hi Dad, how are you?"

Muffled... "How are you? Are you all OK?"

"We're fine, Dad. How are you feeling?"

Progressively fading... "I thought I lost my eyeglasses, but they are in...."

"In your nightstand drawer, like I told you. You just didn't have them the two days you were in the hospital."

"Well, isn't that something?"

"I love you Dad. We'll be there to see you Saturday!"

"WHERE ARE YOU?"

"In my apartment in NY, Dad."

"WHERE ARE YOU? MILLIE..." Phone drops into lap.

Suddenly I realize he is no longer talking to me, but to my dead mother.

I called his hospice nurse, Chris. "Is he eating? He sounds scared, confused. Why is he in a wheelchair sitting in the hallway when he has fallen out of the chair or bed nine times in the past 11 days? Why is he sitting in the dining room for dinner when he's not eating?"

Yesterday morning Chris went to see Dad. Only semi-responsive and only talking now to Mom on other side. Ordered bed rest only with discontinuation of all meds except Atavan and Oxycodone, so he can rest and is not in pain.

We will go tomorrow to say goodbye to Dad.

We said goodbye to Mom on September 7. Mom died September 9.

End of life sucks, but if you have no plans in place you should get on that. Seriously. Otherwise you will be stuck in a system where you have no control over how you live and die in your last years.

My Dad advocated for my bipolar mother consistently for 50 years. I now advocate for him.

In fact, I will probably be arguing his third stage Medicare appeal after he is buried, since the timeline is backed up due to the government shutdown.

So not fun!

Abraham On Death

My Abraham-Hicks email this morning was so on point that it was kind of scary. Here is Abraham on death.

Every living thing, animal or human, or tree experiences that which is called death, with no exception. You've all accepted that one a long time ago. Spirit, which is who we really are, or Source, is eternal. So what death must be is a changing of the perspective of that Eternal Spirit. If I am standing in my physical body and am consciously connected to that Eternal Spirit, then I'm Eternal in nature and I need not ever again fear any endedness, because, from that perspective I understand that there is not any of that.

---Abraham

2013 So Far

2013 so far has been, as my mother (may she rest in peace) would say, "quite the year." Professionally it has been great, with new pilates clients, better cash flow, publishing hubby's first Zombie novella (Zombie Killing Stoners), and more opportunities all around. Personally it has been spotty at best.

Don't get me wrong, hubby and I are great, and Smiley is always wonderful.

SmleyDogBeach

So what's been getting me down?

July 1 I injured my left big toe. By injured, I mean crushed to bits. I spent 13 weeks in a big cam walker boot, and now am relegated to rocker bottom shoes (Dansko, Skechers' Shape Up, Reebok Tone Walker). In addition, I have been using a bone stimulator device for 6 weeks and have 7 more to go.

My 87 year old father fell and broke his hip August 2. Then, my 81 year old mother died on September 9. She had severe dementia, and we hadn't really spoke in about eight years, but that didn't make it any easier.

I was unprepared for the grief.

And now my dear dad is in hospice care, as his entire physical and emotional will to live went when mom passed.

It's been a tough one.

But I am strong, resilient, and loved. I have great friends and a wonderful family.

I am, and will be, fine. Even when I am not so great.